iampresent

mood: busy

Things keep happening but I feel a little numb to it all. I'm finishing up my application to UNCG tomorrow..I'm just ready for this whole semester to be over. I'm really for all this stress to stop and I'm ready to start working out on my own terms again. I'm really ready to have money again and to have time to eat 3 full meals a day. I had a good birthday, I don't really want to be 22 though. I just really hope i can make it through all of this..

oh and Jenna Jameson is on Oprah..this is weird.

Posted at 12:00 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: busy

I'm overwhelmed but happy, although i can't seem to get enough sleep. I keep falling asleep in my classes, and I've never done that before. I'm stressed out and I'm not eating enough to balance out how much I'm working out. Theres not enough time in the day anymore to eat 3 meals a day..I need to get organized again, and I'm trying. I'm not working a lot at all, because I don't have time too..and I don't have enough money to do what I need to do. I just need a breather...i want one day of peace. I don't want this week to start, I just want to sleep for a week. I didn't take enough advantage of summer while it was here, and i miss it. I'll be 22 in 20 days, the years are passing to quickly and i hate it.

Posted at 07:38 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: blank

I don't feel good, and I've got life changing decisions to make.

Posted at 12:18 am | Link | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: calm

I don't know where things are going right now, and I'm not to scared of it.

Posted at 11:18 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 1 comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Posted at 10:42 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: blah

I've been having a hard time the last couple days. Maybe I'm still recovering from a hard night of over drinking on Saturday. Of course I'm going to say I will never drink like that again but you know..I'm sure a year from now or so it will happen again. I have all these people coming into my life and actually wanting to spend time with me..but for some reason I just feel like I have no energy..i just feel sad. Andrew's band is on tour again, there is New York city today. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be able to handle this lifestyle..i know he would never cheat on me..but just having the person you love be so far away sometimes..i don't know i just have a feeling it's going to be a hard ride. I'm insanely nervous about school starting back on Wednesday..My mini-mester Technology and Society class starts..it's from 1-4 Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm just so overwhelmed about so many things..i just need to find myself again..I just feel like as of right now who I am is getting covered up with everything that needs to be done..and everything that's not getting done.

Posted at 08:06 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: calm

I should be in bed, but for some reason I'm writing in here. I've missed more days of school this semester than I wanted too..i didn't want to miss any. I don't trust my half asleep self..I always reason with myself when I'm half asleep and make the wrong decision to turn my alarm off and go back to sleep because I can miss one more day of class. Ugh, I can't do that anymore. Weight training is kicking my butt! Can I just have a six pack now pleaseeee? I feel like I haven't seen much of Andrew lately..tomorrow is a big day for the band..they're playing the Dixie Classic Fair and there is supposed to be some big time person coming to check them out..so I'm excited :D It's sadly going to be my last night to hangout with him before they leave for tour. I love him so much! I just think our relationship only gets better with time, everyday it just seems to get better. We're just so chill, and free and I just have nothing to fight with him over..I guess we got most of our fighting out of the way in the begining haha. I just can't imagine my life without him, he just adds so much to my life..I've very lucky. Alright enough of this mushy stuff. Cortney is back home, I wish she could just stay..I miss her when shes gone. It makes me sad to think about it. I don't have the energy for some of my classes this semester, but I have to and need to get good grades. I need to step up my game. I'm just so exhausted all the freaken time. I'm excited for tomorrow and this weekend..finally I can drink and have a good time. yay

Posted at 12:11 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: bored

I just need to get organized. The days just go by so fast and I can't seem to get stuff straightened out.
This week will be fun though, Mel's 21st bday is on Monday..so all next weekend is going to be 21st bday stuff..and then Tuesday is Blink 182 in Charlotte, and then Thursday is the Dixie Classic fair i think..Andrew's band is playing. Busy week..I'm just not looking forward to a couple weeks from now..because my semester is going to get even busier because my Technology and Society mini-mester starts :(
Some sad news, Cortney and Michael broke up and Mel and Clay broke up resently too. All I can do is be thankful Andrew is of sane mind.
Nothing really new or exciting is going on, I'm just exhausted all the freakn time.
Andrew and I are doing great, he had a couple shows in South Carolina this weekend. Him and his mother moved into this little house off of Summit..hopefully Matt and him will find another place soon. His piano is at my house now and might be there for a while. I'm just amazed at how fast the year is passing..i don't like it. 2010 will be here soon and I'm not ready for it. :(
sooooo, i guess we'll see what happends.

Posted at 06:08 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: anxious

I haven't had much to say lately, and i realized the other day that I could probably go a whole day without talking. Talking is overrated sometimes..
It's strange to people..It makes them uncomfortable and i don't mind that i suppose. I would never in a million years describe myself as shy, but i am quiet and sometimes socially awkward. Sometimes I hate it, and sometimes I don't mind. I've had a blow to my self esteem today..from someone I love..but then again the people I love are the only ones capable of causing me pain like this. I just feel numb again, I go from sad to numb and I hate how it changes me..it makes me cold. I don't deserve this feeling, and if I so quickly get over it..I feel like I'm just being bad to myself. It's funny because I've been feeling so good lately, I even had a fairly good day today..but now my anxiety is getting the better of me :( and I feel guilty and wounded.
I have a lot to do tomorrow night...I have a lot to do..

Posted at 10:21 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: calm

Blah Bleh Blah Blah Bleh!
Well I just got back from Myrtle Beach today. We left on Thursday afternoon and It was amazing and fun and I didn't want to come home to everything.
When life gets tough or seems like an endless cycle of boring days..I'll remember trips like this one. I used to think I loved the mountains more, but honestly there is nothing like the ocean. It was also Andrew and I's 4 year anniversary, I'm so glad we got to share this time together and really and purely enjoy one another. I am truly sad to see this weekend pass. Now I must go back to the never ending cycle of workouts and studying..oh yeah and work. I think playing with the nerf football at the beach gave me more of a workout than I've had in the last couple weeks.-Andrew and Matt start looking for a house tomorrow, I know this whole situation is going to work out for the better in the end, I think I've been more chill the last week than I have been in a very very long time..i hope this continues. Now....time to sleep in my own bed.

Posted at 11:06 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Posted at 11:43 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: bouncy

Going to the pool with Mel, then Hephystus is playing with BTBAM tonight! YESSSSSS! I know I'll be exhausted tomorrow though..oh well.

Posted at 11:57 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: awake

School has been going really good so far, i just hope that continues. I know working out everyday is going to be rough..
I got an ipod the other day, it was my early anniversary gift from Andrew. i love it! I even got a arm band with it so i can use it while running. yesss!
I also found out this week that I'm going back to Myrtle beach from September 10th-13th! I'm extremely excited!!!!! This has been a great year and the good has far out weighed the bad. I feel really good about everything, although one thing that has really been weighing on my mind..is my lack of ability to communicate well with others. I don't have low self esteem, and I'm not stuck up..but I'm sure my anxiety makes it seem that way. I feel like it's gotten a lot worse since school has started. I'm going to have to start pushing myself harder to get past this. I want to change,,i need to change to be happy.

Posted at 12:29 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: blah

The beach was amazing, i had never been to myrtle beach before..and i have to say i was impressed. We went to Broadway..and ate at The Hard Rock..and then just spent a lot of time at the beach..we saw District 9..which was amazing..and we ate at El Burro Loco..and almost played mini golf but we just got fucked up in the RV instead. I scultped a huge vagina in the sand, i should have taken a pic of it..but sadly i didn't bring my camera..and i think people were starting to get offended haha. I really really really had an awesome time, and i wish it didn't have to end...
I will go back again very soon...
Anyways, today was one of the worst days I have had in a very very long time....this morning, a car speeds up behind me, then cuts in front of me..then flicks me off..for NO reason..maybe it my bumper sticker..who knows! Then later on in the day..as i was driving to my obgyn apt. i see a construction truck ahead of me..i try and pass it, but before i can..rocks starts falling out of the back of it..some of which hit my window..leaving a HUGE crack in the middle of it. Considering all the shit that has happened to my car this year..this was more than i could take. I mean, Karma is coming back to me in the form of my car being fuck up i guess. Then i get to my apt, and they have rescheduled it without telling me..they schedueled it for yesterday..which i obviously missed since i didn't know about it...and now i have to wait till mid-October to see my Dr. I need to get off this stupid birth control...i can't afford 45 dollars a month for this shit. ah! School is going okay, not to much HW yet..but I'm sure it's coming. I'm sore from working out, but I'm happy I've gained like 5 pounds..hopefully i don't loose it running. I'm really excited about working out though, i wish i had this much excitment about my other classes..but sadly they bore me. Thursday I'm going to visit Cortney and possibly going to the Raleigh art museum so that should be fun.

I'm just ready for a mind-break...another one.

Posted at 10:58 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Posted at 09:03 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: nervous

school starts tomorrow...let the chaos ensue.

Posted at 09:32 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: annoyed

I'm trying not to let my obsessive mind be bothered by this situation to much, People are insane! It's like they've got a veil over their eyes..and that veil is ignorance and insecurity..and i don't know..I'm just in shock that people are so blind. If he does go back out with her for some insane reason..I don't know what I'll do..It's going to be extremely awkward at shows. I just hope I'm reading into this to deeply as usual. Anyways, some exciting news..Andrew's band is going to be opening for BTBAM at the Lincoln Theater on September 1st! So that's another thing to be looking forward too. Classes start on Monday, and i'm not ready at all. I am however ready to be at the beach..i don't want summer to be over just yet :( Tomorrow..I'm working most of the day..then Farwell's last show/ Troy's 21st bday. Should be fun, i hope! So much stuff going on...i just hope my brain doesn't explode.

night

Posted at 12:19 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: tired

I'm exhausted. I must be low on iron or something because it seems like I can never get enough sleep lately. I'm going to have to get some more multivitamins before school starts..because thats when I'll really need them. I'm excited about my new computer desk and printer..finally i have somewhere to put all this stuff and actually do my work. I'm going up to GTCC on Wednesday to make sure I have everything straightened out, so that this will finally be my last semester there, Monday's and Wednesday's I'm going to be at GTCC with no breaks from 8am-3pm..actually I think there might be one 30 minute break somewhere in there..but i mean thats barely anything anyway. I just hope I'm going to be able to keep my calorie intake high enough so that i don't lose any weight. I wanted to gain weight..but it doesn't look like thats going to be possible with this insane scheduele..but we'll see. Saturday, My family and I are going up to State to help get Cortney all moved in. Troy's birthday thingy is on Friday, I don't even know if I will feel like going to that after work..but i suppose i must. Next weekend..Andrew and I are going to spend acouple days at Carolina Beach with Matt and Suzane. I'm excited for it because it will relieve the stress from the first week of school. Tomorrow means Andrew and I's 4 years anniversary and Trip to Sea World is only a month away. I'm going to try and make it as fun as possible..even though the driving is going to suck. And now I'm exhausted from work..again. :(

Posted at 10:28 pm | Link | Leave a comment | 4 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: busy

I feel like right in this moment I'm seeing things clearer than i have in a really long while.
I swear Andrew's family is about to drive me insane! If Charity comes around again I don't know what I'm going to do. She's stolen from Andrew and
I far to many times and it's never happening again. It should have never been allowed to happen in the first place, but whatever. He just needs to move out of that damn house. It sucks it's back to work tomorrow for me, it's not healthy to work somewhere you can't stand going too. I just hate repeating the same robotic like chant over and over to people..trying to sell them shit they don't need! ah, it sucks. I need to get everything for school ironed out..books and whatnot. I'm really excited about getting into shape..finally doing all the things I've been talking about doing for soo long. Finally I'll be taking Ginger on runs with me and getting her at a healthier weight. I'm just excited to see the results. It's going to be tough working out everyday...and having back to back classes with no breaks practically..and trying to gain 10-15 pounds..when I'm hardly going to have time to eat. gr! Not that I'm not grateful for the friends I have, because I love them. But meeting some new friends would be good too. Most of the girls that I've been surrounded by and attempted to befriend are materialistic..self centered..vain..and I really can't pretend to be okay with that, i can't get a long with that. Most girls are too dramatic for me..ugh..where can i meet uncrazy people to befriend?! haha. I haven't been saving money like I should be either, i need an unbreakable piggy bank or something. Saturday I'm going to State to help Cortney all situated in her dorm room, the house is going to be a lot more empty without her here :(
This weekend I've got everything to do..and it doesn't feel like I have enough time to do everything. blah blah bleh
I'm going to try and enjoy my last couple weeks of freedom.

Posted at 10:13 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: tired

i don't know if I'll ever start a private journal. I think I'd be to afraid of my own thoughts. The truths it would reveal..and that i would have to accept.
I like the idea of it though, being able to write down all these thoughts that mindlessly float around in my head all day..most of them don't make sense. I think i was crazier when i had a private journal. I watched heavenly creatures tonight..it was good. It was a lot to take in and understand. I'm going to need to balance myself again...I need to start taking my birth control on time..my hormones are going crazy!!! I'm going to have to change things, that has become very clear to me..change how i treat people and how i treat myself. I need a change. Dinner was good tonight, i made it :D
I'm not seeing Andrew tomorrow, I've seen him everyday since he's been back..i'm sure he needs a break from me haha.
I need sleep...

Posted at 12:26 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend